Friday, 25 December 2009
Happy Christmas
It's Clichéd to be Cynical at Christmas, something away from the usual Christmas play-lists (sleighlist?).
Thank you for reading, it's time to log off and to pour a drink of your choice.
Hope you have a wonderful peaceful, loving Christmas.
L x
Monday, 21 December 2009
What They Found Out About You
A while ago I used Amazon to buy some electronic equipment and a gift for my niece. When I returned to the site the incredibly complex algorithmic stuff which made their recommendations concluded I was the sort of individual who'd be interested in pornographic DVD's and Peppa Pig books.
Thankfully nobody was peering over my shoulder otherwise they'd be left with the impression I was someone who buys nothing but bongo flicks and children's literature. Also imagine I really was buying skin flicks, it certainly wouldn't be the sort of thing I would want passed around.
This was just after one buy over time I'd imagine they'd have a more accurate picture to an almost creepy extent. Imagine the crap Google knows about you, but hey if you are not doing anything illegal, you've got nothing to hide, right kids? What if this information leads to them concluding you are gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgendered you night be bothered.
A woman in the American state of California is most certainly bothered and is suing Netflix (I guess the UK equivalent would be Love Film) for breaching her privacy after exposing her rental history to outside developers who could make a educated deduction (using sources like IMDB) that she was a lesbian, something she would not like to widely known. I speculate what DVD's would lead someone to conclude they were lesbian, the complete Prisoner Cell Block H box set perhaps? I'm drifting into lazy stereotypes I'll admit, the point is if exercising your right to remain in the closet (and even those not) remember finger prints will be left online even if the evidence is cleared out from the local computer.
Yes if you're trans you'll know this as you cant obtain a licence to tranny without IT knowledge.
Thankfully nobody was peering over my shoulder otherwise they'd be left with the impression I was someone who buys nothing but bongo flicks and children's literature. Also imagine I really was buying skin flicks, it certainly wouldn't be the sort of thing I would want passed around.
This was just after one buy over time I'd imagine they'd have a more accurate picture to an almost creepy extent. Imagine the crap Google knows about you, but hey if you are not doing anything illegal, you've got nothing to hide, right kids? What if this information leads to them concluding you are gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgendered you night be bothered.
A woman in the American state of California is most certainly bothered and is suing Netflix (I guess the UK equivalent would be Love Film) for breaching her privacy after exposing her rental history to outside developers who could make a educated deduction (using sources like IMDB) that she was a lesbian, something she would not like to widely known. I speculate what DVD's would lead someone to conclude they were lesbian, the complete Prisoner Cell Block H box set perhaps? I'm drifting into lazy stereotypes I'll admit, the point is if exercising your right to remain in the closet (and even those not) remember finger prints will be left online even if the evidence is cleared out from the local computer.
Yes if you're trans you'll know this as you cant obtain a licence to tranny without IT knowledge.
Friday, 18 December 2009
Hairybum and Smith
"So whose the patent Dr Hairybum?"
"Someone called Lucy and Its pronounced Haribom by the way, Dr..."
"Smith, the writer couldn't be bothered to come up with another funny name. Is she still asleep or has she finally topped herself?"
"Sleeping, again."
"Anything we can do for her?"
"No! Apart from offering more and more happy pills she's an absolutely fucking hopeless case. Doubt there's a cure for what she's got, it's too much to deal with and I'm not sure she's got the fight in her."
"Only one thing for it then..."
"Someone called Lucy and Its pronounced Haribom by the way, Dr..."
"Smith, the writer couldn't be bothered to come up with another funny name. Is she still asleep or has she finally topped herself?"
"Sleeping, again."
"Anything we can do for her?"
"No! Apart from offering more and more happy pills she's an absolutely fucking hopeless case. Doubt there's a cure for what she's got, it's too much to deal with and I'm not sure she's got the fight in her."
"Only one thing for it then..."
Thursday, 10 December 2009
Picking A Caterpillar To The Maypole
One of the features of this time of year is the end of year list or countdown. You are probably sick to death of end of year / decade lists by now, if you're not you will be. They are a great way to fill space during a quiet news period and do sometimes provoke a interesting debate.
A good end of year / decade / century list should have a number of entries which everyone agrees are classics, some which are debatable but have some merit, a few flavours of the month which every critic hypes up but will be deservedly forgotten, an "ironic" entry and something to make you exclaim WTF or words to that effect. In some ways its like Catch Phrase where there is a familiar saying like 'Up the garden path' and there is something which they've clearly made up out of nowhere like 'picking a caterpillar to the maypole' for which you were left thinking "nobody in the world has ever said that, ever".
This is not to be confused with the television list show which is just 50 clips which we could afford, randomly arranged.When it comes to books you just get reminded of how many good books you will probably never read in your lifetime even if I was a speed reader.In some ways I guess its like picking a caterpillar to the maypole.
*May not be four, my recent output hasn't been exactly prolific :).
Monday, 30 November 2009
Going Out
The outing of Belle Du Jour has brought into sharp focus the fact that it is better to control your destiny or narrative than have others pull you out.
A classic spoiler after the Daily Mail aided by a gobby ex boyfriend were about to blow the lid themselves. Perhaps slightly peeved to have their exclusive blown out the water The Mail rather intruded on the privacy of her family and in particular her father.
Hopefully she will get the chance to claim credit and enjoy a moment in the sun her writing talent affords. A secret can be a great burden especially when they become successful and critically adulated the temptation to leap out and scream IT'S ME TA-DA! And take the bow becomes all too great.
How many trans, particularly transvestite identified subconsciously give permission to be caught. Practically allowing themselves to be found out because of perceived guilt or shame from their actions. The talk can't be avoided by being caught, infact it will probably be tougher. Better to control and manage the damage as best you can which is what Dr Brooke Magnanti has done.
A classic spoiler after the Daily Mail aided by a gobby ex boyfriend were about to blow the lid themselves. Perhaps slightly peeved to have their exclusive blown out the water The Mail rather intruded on the privacy of her family and in particular her father.
Hopefully she will get the chance to claim credit and enjoy a moment in the sun her writing talent affords. A secret can be a great burden especially when they become successful and critically adulated the temptation to leap out and scream IT'S ME TA-DA! And take the bow becomes all too great.
How many trans, particularly transvestite identified subconsciously give permission to be caught. Practically allowing themselves to be found out because of perceived guilt or shame from their actions. The talk can't be avoided by being caught, infact it will probably be tougher. Better to control and manage the damage as best you can which is what Dr Brooke Magnanti has done.
Friday, 20 November 2009
Transgender Day of Rememberence
Going to keep it short and simple. Why do we commemorate? See the link below.
So many lives, so sad.
So many lives, so sad.
Sunday, 8 November 2009
Pink Computers
Ooh I am a lady and I like pink things, as long as it matches my shoes I don't care about the technical specifications or anything like that. I thought it was a one off patronising, bit sexist advertisement from a retailer not known for great customer service. (I would rather push my head into a deep fat fryer than visit PC World again).
Marketing bods in the gadget industries (presumably all men) seem to have decided to target the female demographic and figured that if they pinkify and sell as a fashion accessory then sales will rise and they'll be trebles all round. Ignoring the fact that some women may want functionality, value or something else.
Overall it is also slightly demeaning to the many female geeks and IT workers in what has traditionally been a male dominated arena, who somehow struggle with something which is not accessorised with their outfit or pink.
Of course advertisers have been keen to divide up the population into segments, generalise stereotype, pop into little boxes and flog stuff to. With men its assumed they will only buy something which will result in them getting a shag from some pneumatic blond. As women we're all wannabe homemakers at heart and rather keen to get a stain out of some brats or dippy husbands (for they are all dippy) while smiling.
I would offer some tips on what technology products you should buy, but what's the point of asking me, after all I'm just a girl.
Thursday, 5 November 2009
Golden Lion Bridge
I met my sister in Swindon the other day. She was clothes shopping and I was more than happy to tag along. The town centre is littered with empty shops which highlights how downhill it has gone in the past 10 - 15 years faced with the more attractive outlet village based on the site of the former GWR (later BR) Railway Workshop, a few out of town retail parks and the alternative centres of Oxford, Gloucester, Bath and Bristol. At least a new shop has opened, its a pawnbroker, which says it all really.
The photo is of the restored Golden Lion Bridge mural near the town centre, painted by local artist Ken White. It was taken on my camera-phone which only has a few megapixels and no zoom so its not a fantastic image but I love the vivid colours in the restored work. Here's a better image on the Wilts and Berks Canal Trust site and how it used to look.
The photo is of the restored Golden Lion Bridge mural near the town centre, painted by local artist Ken White. It was taken on my camera-phone which only has a few megapixels and no zoom so its not a fantastic image but I love the vivid colours in the restored work. Here's a better image on the Wilts and Berks Canal Trust site and how it used to look.
Wednesday, 21 October 2009
Gender Pronoun Shock
One the trendy words you see when you visit media websites is the phrase "fast-turn around documentaries" these are, as the phrase suggests produced very quickly on subjects which have been big in the news and are fresh in the viewers minds and still of interest. In these they have either secured new footage, a interview with a protagonist or an expert given time to explore and explain a complex subject beyond the typical 3 minute news report. "The Pregnant Man" obtained an interview with Thomas Beatie, for example. However its often true that some footage is bought in at the right price edited, given a narration and Bobs your uncle, a programme is made.
To me "Bodyshock - Age 8 and Wanting a Sex Change", broadcast on Channel 4 on the 19th October 2009 fits into the latter category. It looked like the production company bought a well regarded film made for the American National Geographic channel with the assistance of Trans Youth Family Allies. Removing the original narration, adding its own and making a few trims. (Correction 19/11/2009, it was a original film produced by Zig Zag for Channel 4).
The end result led to a lot of the programme wanting to follow the low rent tabloid style recently seen in the Sun. Instead of fully illuminating I felt very uneasy, Like the Sun there was a sense of the circus show 'Roll up roll up, come look at them' in it.
Like many commenter's on the programmes web page I am troubled by incorrect use of gender pronouns used by the programmes narration which contradicted those used by the delightful children, their loving parents and those around the boys and girls featured. To make the mistake worse the programme featured comments from parents saying how upsetting and wrong using incorrect pronouns was.
I can only imagine how enraged those in original documentary feel about their appearance in this. Perhaps it might be a lesson that although the show you will feature on will be great and you have got a say in how it'll look etc It could be sold on edited, manipulated without your knowledge or consent. Something to consider and sort out beforehand if you wish to cooperate in any future projects.
To me "Bodyshock - Age 8 and Wanting a Sex Change", broadcast on Channel 4 on the 19th October 2009 fits into the latter category. It looked like the production company bought a well regarded film made for the American National Geographic channel with the assistance of Trans Youth Family Allies. Removing the original narration, adding its own and making a few trims. (Correction 19/11/2009, it was a original film produced by Zig Zag for Channel 4).
The end result led to a lot of the programme wanting to follow the low rent tabloid style recently seen in the Sun. Instead of fully illuminating I felt very uneasy, Like the Sun there was a sense of the circus show 'Roll up roll up, come look at them' in it.
Like many commenter's on the programmes web page I am troubled by incorrect use of gender pronouns used by the programmes narration which contradicted those used by the delightful children, their loving parents and those around the boys and girls featured. To make the mistake worse the programme featured comments from parents saying how upsetting and wrong using incorrect pronouns was.
I can only imagine how enraged those in original documentary feel about their appearance in this. Perhaps it might be a lesson that although the show you will feature on will be great and you have got a say in how it'll look etc It could be sold on edited, manipulated without your knowledge or consent. Something to consider and sort out beforehand if you wish to cooperate in any future projects.
Thursday, 8 October 2009
Transsexual Prisioner Transfer
You probably are familiar with the widely reported successful claim by A against the Secretary of State for Justice and the governor of Manchester Prison in judicial review that she should be allowed to be transferred to a women's prison in order to fulfil the requirements to enable her to eventually receive SRS.
The summary of the facts are as follows. She was convicted of attempted rape whilst a man (her second indictable conviction) and given a life sentence. She began her transition while on remand in 2003 after a diagnosis of gender dysphoria.
Undeniably she has not entered any rehabilitation program and still poses a risk to society which makes her release on licence unlikely (and undesirable) for the foreseeable future.
The description of her incarceration suggests she is fulfilling a large part of the requirements for RLE, (subject to restrictions) including facial hair removal (who paid for this may be especially interesting to many trannssexuals who struggle to find the funds to afford electrolysis and laser treatments). It was enough to satisfy the Gender Recognition Panel into granting her a certificate in July 2006 and according to the judge "presents convincingly as a women". However this is not enough to satisfy the Gender Identity Clinic who require her to live "in role" within a women's prison.
Having looked at the Gender Recognition Act (it is recommended as an excellent cure for insomnia) I had a different interpretation of the allowing for the granting of the certificate and therefore the gender marker on her birth certificate than the GRP. But given she is in receipt it was argued that she should be recognised as a woman as per section 9. Thankfully the judge managed to stay awake long enough when reading and recognised it marked "an important milestone in the recognition of transgender rights."
The issue of cost was mentioned, they estimate moving her to the women's estate (in a special regime) to be £85,000 although some press reports imply this is an extra cost to the tax payer, given that she is in a special regime at the male estate her cost of incarceration may not be that much greater. The traditional and frequently successful "floodgates" argument was also put forward. As was the fact that she was for all intents living as a woman so much so that she had obtained a GRC and so there was no breach especially given there is no human right to SRS at the moment. Although rather unfortunately for their defence their own expert conceded that surgery might be desirable and riskier if not done.
After much prevarication and interminable delay lasting many years the Prison Service finally managed to write some guidelines on prisoners with gender dysphoria. The draft arrived just as the case was coming to court. They allow for treatment except where there are "risk factors" which she poses but which are "not exceptional" compared to other female prisoners. The judge appears to have taken these draft guidelines into account several times when summing up.
The judge considered whether her Article 8 and Article 14 rights were broken. Article 8 relates to a right to a private and family life and Article 14 relates to a right to enjoy these rights in the convention without discrimination regarding sex, race and so on. Previous judgements have determined that when someone is imprisoned they do not lose all rights.
The judge concluded that the current situation interferes with her personal autonomy "in a manner which goes beyond that which imprisonment is intended to do". Taking into account the reports by Dr James Barrett which concluded that she would only be eligible for surgery if transferred to a women's prison, the extracts from his report included in the law report state RLE is needed while admitting staying in women's prison is a rather extreme form of RLE necessary none the less.
So in the end she won her challenge on human rights grounds, but the judge added as a footnote that she would have won because the Prison Service were "Wednesbury unreasonable". So even without the Human Rights Act much derided by right wing commentators the result would have been the same
The summary of the facts are as follows. She was convicted of attempted rape whilst a man (her second indictable conviction) and given a life sentence. She began her transition while on remand in 2003 after a diagnosis of gender dysphoria.
Undeniably she has not entered any rehabilitation program and still poses a risk to society which makes her release on licence unlikely (and undesirable) for the foreseeable future.
The description of her incarceration suggests she is fulfilling a large part of the requirements for RLE, (subject to restrictions) including facial hair removal (who paid for this may be especially interesting to many trannssexuals who struggle to find the funds to afford electrolysis and laser treatments). It was enough to satisfy the Gender Recognition Panel into granting her a certificate in July 2006 and according to the judge "presents convincingly as a women". However this is not enough to satisfy the Gender Identity Clinic who require her to live "in role" within a women's prison.
Having looked at the Gender Recognition Act (it is recommended as an excellent cure for insomnia) I had a different interpretation of the allowing for the granting of the certificate and therefore the gender marker on her birth certificate than the GRP. But given she is in receipt it was argued that she should be recognised as a woman as per section 9. Thankfully the judge managed to stay awake long enough when reading and recognised it marked "an important milestone in the recognition of transgender rights."
The authorities defence.
The issue of cost was mentioned, they estimate moving her to the women's estate (in a special regime) to be £85,000 although some press reports imply this is an extra cost to the tax payer, given that she is in a special regime at the male estate her cost of incarceration may not be that much greater. The traditional and frequently successful "floodgates" argument was also put forward. As was the fact that she was for all intents living as a woman so much so that she had obtained a GRC and so there was no breach especially given there is no human right to SRS at the moment. Although rather unfortunately for their defence their own expert conceded that surgery might be desirable and riskier if not done.
The new draft guidelines on prisoners with gender dysphoria.
After much prevarication and interminable delay lasting many years the Prison Service finally managed to write some guidelines on prisoners with gender dysphoria. The draft arrived just as the case was coming to court. They allow for treatment except where there are "risk factors" which she poses but which are "not exceptional" compared to other female prisoners. The judge appears to have taken these draft guidelines into account several times when summing up.
The Human rights angle.
The judge considered whether her Article 8 and Article 14 rights were broken. Article 8 relates to a right to a private and family life and Article 14 relates to a right to enjoy these rights in the convention without discrimination regarding sex, race and so on. Previous judgements have determined that when someone is imprisoned they do not lose all rights.
The judge concluded that the current situation interferes with her personal autonomy "in a manner which goes beyond that which imprisonment is intended to do". Taking into account the reports by Dr James Barrett which concluded that she would only be eligible for surgery if transferred to a women's prison, the extracts from his report included in the law report state RLE is needed while admitting staying in women's prison is a rather extreme form of RLE necessary none the less.
Wednesbury unreasonableness and conclusion.
So in the end she won her challenge on human rights grounds, but the judge added as a footnote that she would have won because the Prison Service were "Wednesbury unreasonable". So even without the Human Rights Act much derided by right wing commentators the result would have been the same
Sunday, 20 September 2009
Tabloid Hype, Transgendered Children
Five months ago I made a few notes in an earlier entry entitled Trans Children, about children who are on the transgendered spectrum or merely "dressing up" and the misunderstandings and bigotry that can exist. I noted the fact the treatment of children diagnosed with gender identity disorder was a comparatively new science and that I remained open on some of the ideas that were based on some evidence, however
It is especially important not to single them out and sensationalise and treat as some oddity. Regrettably that is what appears to have happened. Perhaps the school could have handled the situation better. The media's attention has been worse.
The two children aged 12 and 9 respectively (or as The Sun would put it TWELVE and NINE!) returned to their respective schools with approval.
This story found its way to The Sun’s news desk who decided to run front page stories over consecutive days. Thankfully somebody seems to have intervened otherwise their privacy and rights would have been further intruded into. The story of the 9 year old had to be illustrated with the picture of a child model. As the Alfie Patten farrago demonstrated they tend not to give a stuff about such things especially when greedy adults are involved. In fact it’s hard to imagine the News International cheque book wasn’t waved toward the parties in return for their cooperation followed by not so subtle threats what would happen if they didn’t.
From a grotty rag which frequently prints bare faced lies, bugs telephones, prints up-skirt paparazzo and claims to stand and represent the working class while belittling, mocking them and advocating policies which would not help them. So what’s the incorrect use of the male pronoun or giving clues as to their location.
Its a sensationalist story designed to get people bothered in the morning with no mention of the serious and what must have agonising decision the parents and child faced .
Like sexuality, gender identity is frequently set at a young age while campaigns to tackle homophobia are gaining welcome recognition, similar efforts to raise awareness, help schools and deal with transphobia falling on deaf ears. Leaving only a few receiving care and treatment, like these two who I wish good luck given the mindless bigots and haters they face. One hopes that coverage and acceptance will improve.
P.S. After drafting this entry I have spotted others with their own perspective. Nicky, Jeni, Debbie, and Abi for starters.
"Pushing, forcing them to the assigned gender. doesn't cure them. It only teaches them to pretend and fake it, became a superb secret agent, hide it, fucks them up. It just creates self hate, loathing, lack of confidence, depression, drug abuse, suicides".
It is especially important not to single them out and sensationalise and treat as some oddity. Regrettably that is what appears to have happened. Perhaps the school could have handled the situation better. The media's attention has been worse.
The two children aged 12 and 9 respectively (or as The Sun would put it TWELVE and NINE!) returned to their respective schools with approval.
This story found its way to The Sun’s news desk who decided to run front page stories over consecutive days. Thankfully somebody seems to have intervened otherwise their privacy and rights would have been further intruded into. The story of the 9 year old had to be illustrated with the picture of a child model. As the Alfie Patten farrago demonstrated they tend not to give a stuff about such things especially when greedy adults are involved. In fact it’s hard to imagine the News International cheque book wasn’t waved toward the parties in return for their cooperation followed by not so subtle threats what would happen if they didn’t.
From a grotty rag which frequently prints bare faced lies, bugs telephones, prints up-skirt paparazzo and claims to stand and represent the working class while belittling, mocking them and advocating policies which would not help them. So what’s the incorrect use of the male pronoun or giving clues as to their location.
Its a sensationalist story designed to get people bothered in the morning with no mention of the serious and what must have agonising decision the parents and child faced .
Like sexuality, gender identity is frequently set at a young age while campaigns to tackle homophobia are gaining welcome recognition, similar efforts to raise awareness, help schools and deal with transphobia falling on deaf ears. Leaving only a few receiving care and treatment, like these two who I wish good luck given the mindless bigots and haters they face. One hopes that coverage and acceptance will improve.
P.S. After drafting this entry I have spotted others with their own perspective. Nicky, Jeni, Debbie, and Abi for starters.
Sunday, 13 September 2009
Don't Forget To Vote
Hello. Missed me?
Thought not. :-p
But I hope you are all well. Even if your blog has disappeared, I've done a little tidy, checking blogs that have not appeared in my feed reader for a while and noticing a few no longer exist. So I have removed the dead links and will put some new (to me) and interesting (to me, again) live ones up to replace over time.
I also looked at what people are searching for when they find my blog. I suspect I may have disappointed some who came here hoping for answers to their search queries. So in an attempt to correct this here are the answers to some things you have searched for.
What happens next, you decide.
Thought not. :-p
But I hope you are all well. Even if your blog has disappeared, I've done a little tidy, checking blogs that have not appeared in my feed reader for a while and noticing a few no longer exist. So I have removed the dead links and will put some new (to me) and interesting (to me, again) live ones up to replace over time.
I also looked at what people are searching for when they find my blog. I suspect I may have disappointed some who came here hoping for answers to their search queries. So in an attempt to correct this here are the answers to some things you have searched for.
- "how to impress a girl". I can only say some of the things that impress me, I would not dream of speaking for all womankind and that's humour, kindness, chocolates and a few Bacardi and cokes.
- "bum curves". I'm afraid I wasn't at school the day that was covered in my maths class.
- "transgender girl". Hello.
- "womans boobs". I suspect you really don't need any help finding pictures of breasts online and your brief visit must have been a little disappointing.
What happens next, you decide.
Friday, 28 August 2009
The Pro-Transition Bias
I am concerned about what I see as the pro-transition bias apparent with some transsexuals pushing some who need good advice (especially when professional councillors may not be available) toward something which may be inappropriate for whatever reason.
Now I do not wish to convey a holier than thou stance. Like a corporate email I feel I should perhaps put a disclaimer on all comments made, something like; "I am not a qualified doctor or councillor. Please take suitable qualified advice. Please be aware the author may be talking utter pants with a bra side dish". Maybe it should apply to everyone and repeated regularly spoken really fast like the regulatory mandated disclaimers at the end of radio adverts.
This is not everyone, some are just wonderful which is why I emphasised the word some. It could be down to a collective groupthink descending on the meeting. I would hate think there were more selfish motivations at work.
Sections within some of the trans communities do not need to act as pullers it can be bad enough for some having to deal with those attempting to push the person away from transitioning. All of which leads me to conclude that if you are not sure the last thing you should do is ask a bunch of trannies. As I said before this is big stuff.
I may be reading too much into it or seeing things not there.
Now I do not wish to convey a holier than thou stance. Like a corporate email I feel I should perhaps put a disclaimer on all comments made, something like; "I am not a qualified doctor or councillor. Please take suitable qualified advice. Please be aware the author may be talking utter pants with a bra side dish". Maybe it should apply to everyone and repeated regularly spoken really fast like the regulatory mandated disclaimers at the end of radio adverts.
This is not everyone, some are just wonderful which is why I emphasised the word some. It could be down to a collective groupthink descending on the meeting. I would hate think there were more selfish motivations at work.
Sections within some of the trans communities do not need to act as pullers it can be bad enough for some having to deal with those attempting to push the person away from transitioning. All of which leads me to conclude that if you are not sure the last thing you should do is ask a bunch of trannies. As I said before this is big stuff.
I may be reading too much into it or seeing things not there.
Friday, 21 August 2009
Sliding Door
It has been a while since I wore my heals for various reasons either because of blisters or I thought flats looked better, ironically my boi shoes have had a greater heal then anything I've worn the rest of the time. So being away from them is like being off a bike for a long period; you know how to do it, just that you are a bit wobbly and uncertain the first few yards.
Being a bit wobbly and uncertain about transition is something that will sometimes last longer than a few yards. I think often the difference between so called first and second wave transitioners is just time often there is a Sliding Doors moment where your life could splinter off in two directions as we know the one where we think she dies while the other one finally realises he's a creep and meets the dishy John Hannah hinting at a happy end.
Many could have taken the route earlier yet something stopped it happening then but you'll get there in the end.
One thing that hits me was a deep sense of regret over the path not taken earlier. Kinda like a clenching of the stomach reaching up to the heart. I should have some smart words here but I don't, I can't change what I didn't do so and I have so much future ahead even if so much has passed.
I believe there are no (to use that horrible phrase) win/win situations. There are always downsides as well as up, the scales may tip heavily in one direction but if you can think of no downsides then I suggest you haven't thought it through enough. Perhaps there are exceptions but it probably applies to the stages up-to, including and after transition.
This is big stuff and not to be considered lightly whether going forward, stopping or going back and a whoa! moment will show that you're human. If you start screaming and running as fast as possible away from the surgery then it's probably safe to say it's not for you. However if you are describing the procedure in extreme detail with relish...
When it comes down to it, I am not brave. I just am who I should. It's hard to describe the feeling of inner peace where mind and body are contented. The problem is that your human ecosystem changes like the way you are treated by other elements and how certain elements affect you both environmental and with humans.
I do wonder what kind of role model I make, have they met one before? If not are they going to transpose (if you pardon the pun) all tg's (and I do mean the whole spectrum) based on me.
Being a bit wobbly and uncertain about transition is something that will sometimes last longer than a few yards. I think often the difference between so called first and second wave transitioners is just time often there is a Sliding Doors moment where your life could splinter off in two directions as we know the one where we think she dies while the other one finally realises he's a creep and meets the dishy John Hannah hinting at a happy end.
Many could have taken the route earlier yet something stopped it happening then but you'll get there in the end.
One thing that hits me was a deep sense of regret over the path not taken earlier. Kinda like a clenching of the stomach reaching up to the heart. I should have some smart words here but I don't, I can't change what I didn't do so and I have so much future ahead even if so much has passed.
I believe there are no (to use that horrible phrase) win/win situations. There are always downsides as well as up, the scales may tip heavily in one direction but if you can think of no downsides then I suggest you haven't thought it through enough. Perhaps there are exceptions but it probably applies to the stages up-to, including and after transition.
This is big stuff and not to be considered lightly whether going forward, stopping or going back and a whoa! moment will show that you're human. If you start screaming and running as fast as possible away from the surgery then it's probably safe to say it's not for you. However if you are describing the procedure in extreme detail with relish...
When it comes down to it, I am not brave. I just am who I should. It's hard to describe the feeling of inner peace where mind and body are contented. The problem is that your human ecosystem changes like the way you are treated by other elements and how certain elements affect you both environmental and with humans.
I do wonder what kind of role model I make, have they met one before? If not are they going to transpose (if you pardon the pun) all tg's (and I do mean the whole spectrum) based on me.
Saturday, 15 August 2009
Awkward Stances
Sometimes a holiday can come up at exactly the right time. A combination of work, family and internal factors combined to make me really low.
I really had to get away.
So I did.
So raiding my red shoe fund and packing a ridiculously large amount off I went. If I had the slightest modicum of planning I would have organised my route to coincide with some exciting event but in my manner, that never happened.
In the preceding weeks I went through my clothes and about a fortnight before that I awkwardly hung about a park with several other trannies in London.
Looking at my clothes I realised I still had a lot of stuff from my early splurges which I bought with no eye for how they looked outside. It's hard for me to remember why I bought what I did I guess I was buying anything fem and never expected to go out in them. I also had no idea of what worked, though I wouldn't profess a totally 100% clear idea of what works now just what really doesn't. In the end a surprising amount was discarded to the charity bin and the odd bit retained for lounging about indoors. My clothes rails still look full despite this necessary prune. If I ever do write a book on how to be a tranny the advice for newbies would be to buy from charity and discount shops until you find your style because you will make mistakes and waste money.
But then what do I know? I never knew just how much of a radical difference hair style can make to my appearance until I wore a new style when I went out.
There are photo's of me floating about with wind swept hair (shoulda worn a hat in retrospect) and the look of a very early stage transsexual who had taken another leap out her zone and lived to make more awkward steps another day.
I really had to get away.
So I did.
So raiding my red shoe fund and packing a ridiculously large amount off I went. If I had the slightest modicum of planning I would have organised my route to coincide with some exciting event but in my manner, that never happened.
In the preceding weeks I went through my clothes and about a fortnight before that I awkwardly hung about a park with several other trannies in London.
Looking at my clothes I realised I still had a lot of stuff from my early splurges which I bought with no eye for how they looked outside. It's hard for me to remember why I bought what I did I guess I was buying anything fem and never expected to go out in them. I also had no idea of what worked, though I wouldn't profess a totally 100% clear idea of what works now just what really doesn't. In the end a surprising amount was discarded to the charity bin and the odd bit retained for lounging about indoors. My clothes rails still look full despite this necessary prune. If I ever do write a book on how to be a tranny the advice for newbies would be to buy from charity and discount shops until you find your style because you will make mistakes and waste money.
But then what do I know? I never knew just how much of a radical difference hair style can make to my appearance until I wore a new style when I went out.
There are photo's of me floating about with wind swept hair (shoulda worn a hat in retrospect) and the look of a very early stage transsexual who had taken another leap out her zone and lived to make more awkward steps another day.
Tuesday, 28 July 2009
I Must Be 29% Lesbian Then
This week I let the Stockholm Pride website analyse my Twitter stream which showed I'm 71% straight. Just a bit of a fun diversion in what has, all told its been a tiring, emotional and stressful end to last week. An unhappy collision of work, my lingering gd (see whitterings past) and I guess other mental health difficulties, along with events leave me wanting to curl up and hide in a big box where I can happily sleep until September comes.
There are some people who make it worse, in short the arrogance, rudeness and stubbornness of certain people got to me when most of the time it wouldn't. When the going gets tough, the not so tough get some own label Baileys (not great for the figure I know but this was an emergency) and randomly play my favourite songs.
And to top it all I learn Starbucks are going stealth in their war to get everyone downing their brews by trialling shops branded as independent local cafes in the US. So their brand must be so devalued recently, they are resorting to trickery in their campaign for world domination. Although the anti-brand snob must be secretly delighted.
To carry on recent themes, I have had a continuing problem over my self image, the sexual organ can be hidden away and can be for most of the time forgotten about. The face is different it is the thing which, er, faces you. I can wish someday and somehow the problem reconciles itself.
The other recent thought being the gender binary and my place on it. I've thought the best way to express this is to use a scale ranging from 1 to 11. One being very female and eleven being Chuck Norris (who of course does not sleep, he waits). I guess I am somewhere in the middle hoping to claw my way down.
I will write about the experiences the week before last as there will be a beginning, middle and end although to quote the film maker Jean-Luc Godard "not necessarily in that order". Its been an aim to get back to updating the blog at least once a week and this way I have a subject. Till then...
There are some people who make it worse, in short the arrogance, rudeness and stubbornness of certain people got to me when most of the time it wouldn't. When the going gets tough, the not so tough get some own label Baileys (not great for the figure I know but this was an emergency) and randomly play my favourite songs.
And to top it all I learn Starbucks are going stealth in their war to get everyone downing their brews by trialling shops branded as independent local cafes in the US. So their brand must be so devalued recently, they are resorting to trickery in their campaign for world domination. Although the anti-brand snob must be secretly delighted.
To carry on recent themes, I have had a continuing problem over my self image, the sexual organ can be hidden away and can be for most of the time forgotten about. The face is different it is the thing which, er, faces you. I can wish someday and somehow the problem reconciles itself.
The other recent thought being the gender binary and my place on it. I've thought the best way to express this is to use a scale ranging from 1 to 11. One being very female and eleven being Chuck Norris (who of course does not sleep, he waits). I guess I am somewhere in the middle hoping to claw my way down.
I will write about the experiences the week before last as there will be a beginning, middle and end although to quote the film maker Jean-Luc Godard "not necessarily in that order". Its been an aim to get back to updating the blog at least once a week and this way I have a subject. Till then...
Wednesday, 22 July 2009
A Blogger Blogging About Blogging
This blog has survived past the 2nd anniversary which in blog years makes this site about 41, it goes through peaks and troughs, much like its author really. This as the title suggests is about blogs.
There is often potentially nothing as buttock clinchingly tedious as a blogger blogging about blogs along with the risk of being a little self congratulatory. I recognise this, however about once a year a article will appear proclaiming the end of blogging claiming the latest web 2.0 site is the blog killer and trotting a litany of complaints copied and pasted from last years article.
Recycling articles is commonplace in magazines from the same summer beauty tips article to the NME printing the recreate Glastonbury in your home by putting a 14 television at the end your garden covering it with rubbish and blocking your toilet, every year when I read it.
The rationale goes something like this; trendy site of the moment is rendering the form irrelevant and that people can't concentrate beyond a sentence or two an assumption common in many sections of the media. Ideas sometimes need to expanded beyond a simple statement with arguments supporting and maybe acknowledging faults and limitations. A blog is a good place where this can be done. Regarding accusations of spam, you choose to visit a site it doesn't appear on your browser unsolicited you choose to visit or subscribe or to leave a very intelligent comment.
Many will gravitate to TwitFaceTube sites but others will use them alongside blogging as there is a niche for this form of writing that will never go.
There is often potentially nothing as buttock clinchingly tedious as a blogger blogging about blogs along with the risk of being a little self congratulatory. I recognise this, however about once a year a article will appear proclaiming the end of blogging claiming the latest web 2.0 site is the blog killer and trotting a litany of complaints copied and pasted from last years article.
Recycling articles is commonplace in magazines from the same summer beauty tips article to the NME printing the recreate Glastonbury in your home by putting a 14 television at the end your garden covering it with rubbish and blocking your toilet, every year when I read it.
The rationale goes something like this; trendy site of the moment is rendering the form irrelevant and that people can't concentrate beyond a sentence or two an assumption common in many sections of the media. Ideas sometimes need to expanded beyond a simple statement with arguments supporting and maybe acknowledging faults and limitations. A blog is a good place where this can be done. Regarding accusations of spam, you choose to visit a site it doesn't appear on your browser unsolicited you choose to visit or subscribe or to leave a very intelligent comment.
Many will gravitate to TwitFaceTube sites but others will use them alongside blogging as there is a niche for this form of writing that will never go.
Tuesday, 14 July 2009
The Evil Bride Writes
A hotch-potch of personal updates and general thoughts. Some things have set me thinking about the assumptions which take place within or between many or all the trans communities and how they maybe need to be questioned. Though at the moment its more personal questions which worry me.
Stretch limousines are are quite noticeable on the streets at the moment, I presume for end of term parties and proms. These things are top of the list of things people think are classy but are not above buying your food at M&S and Ferrero Rocher chocolates (they are revolting nuggets of overpriced, misleadingly marketed yuck). The thing to say about the prom dresses I've seen advertised and the photos printed in the yokel paper is that I would choose them but as bride to be in major evil mode picking out the worst colours possible for my bridesmaids to wear. Because despite being way prettier THERE IS NO WAY THEY ARE UPSTAGING ME.
My life has been a little unexciting recently there has been nothing spectacular. Apart from a trip to visit my mother, I really haven't been anywhere. I could go into town but the local town centre is not the most friendly especially at the weekend and frankly looks a bit skanky and boorish at the best of times. That is would I if it was attractive.
The past few days nothing has felt or looked right I just don't see who I want to see and just see (I'm aware I'm overdoing the sees here) a masculine face. Well durrrrh you might say and you'd be right, doesn't make it any less frustrating and undermined my recent coping strategies, although using a word like "strategies" may lead you to believe that I have a some well thought out masterplan other than something I just thought up to cope. Ultimately I'm someone who doesn't feel at home in the male gender or welcome as a female and is trying to seek temporary asylum in a friendly neutral territory.
As such there also have not been any photo updates, a confession I'm sure will start the process of me being drummed out the tranny union or at least a stern talking to.
Stretch limousines are are quite noticeable on the streets at the moment, I presume for end of term parties and proms. These things are top of the list of things people think are classy but are not above buying your food at M&S and Ferrero Rocher chocolates (they are revolting nuggets of overpriced, misleadingly marketed yuck). The thing to say about the prom dresses I've seen advertised and the photos printed in the yokel paper is that I would choose them but as bride to be in major evil mode picking out the worst colours possible for my bridesmaids to wear. Because despite being way prettier THERE IS NO WAY THEY ARE UPSTAGING ME.
My life has been a little unexciting recently there has been nothing spectacular. Apart from a trip to visit my mother, I really haven't been anywhere. I could go into town but the local town centre is not the most friendly especially at the weekend and frankly looks a bit skanky and boorish at the best of times. That is would I if it was attractive.
The past few days nothing has felt or looked right I just don't see who I want to see and just see (I'm aware I'm overdoing the sees here) a masculine face. Well durrrrh you might say and you'd be right, doesn't make it any less frustrating and undermined my recent coping strategies, although using a word like "strategies" may lead you to believe that I have a some well thought out masterplan other than something I just thought up to cope. Ultimately I'm someone who doesn't feel at home in the male gender or welcome as a female and is trying to seek temporary asylum in a friendly neutral territory.
As such there also have not been any photo updates, a confession I'm sure will start the process of me being drummed out the tranny union or at least a stern talking to.
Monday, 6 July 2009
The Guilty Pleasure
On many peoples mp3 player (or music playing device) there are often a few tracks that you would rather the world did not know you listened to. Unfortunately these things have a way of getting out. Perhaps your soundproof earphones are not that insulated and the rest of the bus now knows that you listened to B*witched or Bad Boys Inc.
All are that persons deeply held musical taste which they have often taken the time to rip and copy to their mp3 iJukebox thingy. What I do dislike is being sneering or ironic about it (especially those awful "ironic" cover versions that bands do on the Jo Wiley show), describing it as a guilty pleasure. It is used to legitimise poor works or as an apology for liking unfashionable works. The phrase pops up frequently on Lastfm among many other lazy or poor tags (.
If you like it you like it you shouldn't have to coat it layers of irony and pretend its really bad. The choice of music is a deeply personal thing, the statistics on my own player have the kind of bands certain Radio 1 dj's claim give you good taste and those which don't.
I would like to see under my totalitarian rule the phrase "guilty pleasure" banned (along with "journey"). Something is merely a pleasure or not. We can all name several films that are well made and beautifully crafted but we'll all get loads more fun watching George Of The Jungle (watch out for that tree!).
All are that persons deeply held musical taste which they have often taken the time to rip and copy to their mp3 iJukebox thingy. What I do dislike is being sneering or ironic about it (especially those awful "ironic" cover versions that bands do on the Jo Wiley show), describing it as a guilty pleasure. It is used to legitimise poor works or as an apology for liking unfashionable works. The phrase pops up frequently on Lastfm among many other lazy or poor tags (.
If you like it you like it you shouldn't have to coat it layers of irony and pretend its really bad. The choice of music is a deeply personal thing, the statistics on my own player have the kind of bands certain Radio 1 dj's claim give you good taste and those which don't.
I would like to see under my totalitarian rule the phrase "guilty pleasure" banned (along with "journey"). Something is merely a pleasure or not. We can all name several films that are well made and beautifully crafted but we'll all get loads more fun watching George Of The Jungle (watch out for that tree!).
Sunday, 28 June 2009
Stonewall 40 years on
History has a way of miscasting what actually happened, some get marginalised, erased, misrepresented and so on. Especially when the revolution was not televised.
It was not the first riot and police harassment continues to this day if perhaps not in such a blatant manner.
Some comments around this event state it was the birth of the gay rights (sic) movement but there were groups and campaigners before perhaps rather unfairly criticised. They were portrayed as older and conservative homosexual groupings.
Understandably there was an element of frustration yet the work of activists like Harry Hay, to name but one are ignored or dismissed. It was just a case of right place (the centre of the major US news media and influential fringe publications), right time. That placed it above other notable events like the Gene Compton's Cafeteria riot, a few years before.
The riots do seem in the following years to have been spun. The ethnicity whitened which possibly makes the attempt to link the campaign for gay marriage with the civil rights movement look even more disingenuous as well as offending black allies and alienating minority lgbt. Trans elements were marginalised as were lesbians it seems. There was no radical movement for trans peoples in the aftermath and things have been slightly touchy with some in the US ever since. As for lesbians I have great sympathy for the suggestion that it was the gender equality movement which provided the impetus.
Then again it probably does not matter whether it was a "drag queen", lesbian or green eyed reptile who cast the first stone it is the symbolic nature and the name which resonates throughout the world.
It was not the first riot and police harassment continues to this day if perhaps not in such a blatant manner.
Some comments around this event state it was the birth of the gay rights (sic) movement but there were groups and campaigners before perhaps rather unfairly criticised. They were portrayed as older and conservative homosexual groupings.
Understandably there was an element of frustration yet the work of activists like Harry Hay, to name but one are ignored or dismissed. It was just a case of right place (the centre of the major US news media and influential fringe publications), right time. That placed it above other notable events like the Gene Compton's Cafeteria riot, a few years before.
The riots do seem in the following years to have been spun. The ethnicity whitened which possibly makes the attempt to link the campaign for gay marriage with the civil rights movement look even more disingenuous as well as offending black allies and alienating minority lgbt. Trans elements were marginalised as were lesbians it seems. There was no radical movement for trans peoples in the aftermath and things have been slightly touchy with some in the US ever since. As for lesbians I have great sympathy for the suggestion that it was the gender equality movement which provided the impetus.
Then again it probably does not matter whether it was a "drag queen", lesbian or green eyed reptile who cast the first stone it is the symbolic nature and the name which resonates throughout the world.
Thursday, 18 June 2009
The End Of Blogger Anonymity
In my opinion a worrying precedent has been set by the decision of the High Court to allow The Times to 'out' the previously anonymous police blogger known as NightJack.
According to the judgement in The Author of a Blog v Times Newspapers Ltd (BAILII link), "because blogging is essentially a public rather than a private activity" no anonymity can be given to NightJack and by extension the true identity of many a pseudonymous blogger can be revealed in England and Wales.
In the case in point The Times took it upon itself to try and find the identity of the revealing and award-winning blogger, ostensibly it seems by following the many trails left online (although it would be interesting to know all the methods used).
Although their lawyers advanced public interest for disclosure it is little more than a trashy expose, He took great care not to mention live cases and has not to my knowledge broken the Contempt of Court Act 1981 or any other law in his writing. There is also little glory or financial reward, he did not accept his Orwell Prize and donated the prize money to the Police Benevolent Fund.
Defenders of his unmasking will point to freedom of information and accountability. As this Gawker article does, splendidly missing the point that it will have the opposite effect in, as this case shows, stopping someone from writing openly about the inner workings of public institutions and further discouraging whistle-blowers already put off by recent stories. There is also an element of hypocrisy given the use of anonymous police sources in several stories within the Times. Should they be subject to the Times' new high minded approach?
Thankfully although his career may be ruined, he will be free. Given the situation in Iran it is important to state that many writers are risking their lives, which is why in many cases, anonymity is vitally important, sadly it would be possible for people to cite this ruling as justification to reveal their identity.
Whether it is a matter of life and death I would defend the rights of those who wish to preserve their anonymity or privacy from scuzzy acts of so-called journalism.
According to the judgement in The Author of a Blog v Times Newspapers Ltd (BAILII link), "because blogging is essentially a public rather than a private activity" no anonymity can be given to NightJack and by extension the true identity of many a pseudonymous blogger can be revealed in England and Wales.
In the case in point The Times took it upon itself to try and find the identity of the revealing and award-winning blogger, ostensibly it seems by following the many trails left online (although it would be interesting to know all the methods used).
Although their lawyers advanced public interest for disclosure it is little more than a trashy expose, He took great care not to mention live cases and has not to my knowledge broken the Contempt of Court Act 1981 or any other law in his writing. There is also little glory or financial reward, he did not accept his Orwell Prize and donated the prize money to the Police Benevolent Fund.
Defenders of his unmasking will point to freedom of information and accountability. As this Gawker article does, splendidly missing the point that it will have the opposite effect in, as this case shows, stopping someone from writing openly about the inner workings of public institutions and further discouraging whistle-blowers already put off by recent stories. There is also an element of hypocrisy given the use of anonymous police sources in several stories within the Times. Should they be subject to the Times' new high minded approach?
Thankfully although his career may be ruined, he will be free. Given the situation in Iran it is important to state that many writers are risking their lives, which is why in many cases, anonymity is vitally important, sadly it would be possible for people to cite this ruling as justification to reveal their identity.
Whether it is a matter of life and death I would defend the rights of those who wish to preserve their anonymity or privacy from scuzzy acts of so-called journalism.
Monday, 8 June 2009
Boobs, Bum, Hips or Curves
Quietly reading with the window open I could hear my neighbour say "...he wears women's clothes..." My ears were immediately pricked up, bothersomely at the exact time they moved out of earshot.
I have added to my collection of women's clothes the problem is creating the space in my increasingly filling rails but I can't resist a dress that's reduced and is slightly flattering to my lack of boobs, bum, hips or curves. No surprise, that I don't have 1, 2, or 3, obviously but as I increasingly identify toward the female end of the gender binary its not what I hope for.
That said, I don't wear any padding on the hips and bum, while giving a satisfactory silhouette it is tough enough to use the loo, popping things away and securely (you get the idea) without aligning pads. Hence despite my eye constantly being drawn to figure hugging outfits worn by curvy women I know after hard and expensive experience that I'd just look like a sack of spuds.
One style that attracts me is the andro grunge style. What attracted me was the elements of gender fluidity boys with long hair, girls with short hair, for a start. Although at that age, musically, I was more into Kylie and the Pet Shop Boys twenty years later I'm still in to Kylie Minogue and the Pet Shop Boys although I went through a pretentious 'indie kid' period in the mid to late 1990's, though I was just a teenager and thought I could write poetry (it was probably worse than a Vogon poem to be honest).
I have added to my collection of women's clothes the problem is creating the space in my increasingly filling rails but I can't resist a dress that's reduced and is slightly flattering to my lack of boobs, bum, hips or curves. No surprise, that I don't have 1, 2, or 3, obviously but as I increasingly identify toward the female end of the gender binary its not what I hope for.
That said, I don't wear any padding on the hips and bum, while giving a satisfactory silhouette it is tough enough to use the loo, popping things away and securely (you get the idea) without aligning pads. Hence despite my eye constantly being drawn to figure hugging outfits worn by curvy women I know after hard and expensive experience that I'd just look like a sack of spuds.
One style that attracts me is the andro grunge style. What attracted me was the elements of gender fluidity boys with long hair, girls with short hair, for a start. Although at that age, musically, I was more into Kylie and the Pet Shop Boys twenty years later I'm still in to Kylie Minogue and the Pet Shop Boys although I went through a pretentious 'indie kid' period in the mid to late 1990's, though I was just a teenager and thought I could write poetry (it was probably worse than a Vogon poem to be honest).
Sunday, 31 May 2009
Dress To Impress
In the world of daytime television amongst the auction and property shows a good drama was shown.
In a series of drama's about moving on, called naturally enough Moving On
If you missed it somebodies uploaded the drama (about 40 minutes) to Youtube.
It brought back a lot of memories. So my views as the overall standard of drama may be clouded.
Potential spoiler, highlight to see. The dialogue was sometimes clunky but there were some recognisable touches to the trans scenes like the sigh of joy when he (sic) looks in the mirror and the moment when he's hiding from his dad. Also the looks at other women. Yes the reveal in front of his parents may be over the top but that's dramatic licence paving the way to leaving home. The one slight let down was the mum. From the way the mother acted I was surprised she did not already know or looked so shocked but the blokey, horny dad never in a million years.
Part 1
Part 2
Parts three, four, five, six and seven.
In a series of drama's about moving on, called naturally enough Moving On
If you missed it somebodies uploaded the drama (about 40 minutes) to Youtube.
It brought back a lot of memories. So my views as the overall standard of drama may be clouded.
Potential spoiler, highlight to see. The dialogue was sometimes clunky but there were some recognisable touches to the trans scenes like the sigh of joy when he (sic) looks in the mirror and the moment when he's hiding from his dad. Also the looks at other women. Yes the reveal in front of his parents may be over the top but that's dramatic licence paving the way to leaving home. The one slight let down was the mum. From the way the mother acted I was surprised she did not already know or looked so shocked but the blokey, horny dad never in a million years.
Part 1
Part 2
Parts three, four, five, six and seven.
Friday, 29 May 2009
The Carousel Has Passed
Its my birthday, yay! Woot! Etc..
If you think this is just a transparent attempt to garner some happy birthday greetings then... yes it is,... this being, I hope, fairly honest blog. So while I am that shameless I would like to think I'm shamelessly integral.
But that's not the reason I opened my word processor and started typing. The days leading up have given the opportunity for introspection. The time for "Carousel" has passed (or it would be if we existed in a world where a Malthusian solution was employed) and I still haven't settled down.
I'm still single with no kids, the latter I still have no desire to have although I jokingly remark that it's because I think they will write some kind of Mommy Dearest type memoir when they grow up about their monstrous trans parent. In reality, though, I'd muddle along and may develop the large amounts of stamina and patience parents have that lessor mortals don't.
Ever the eternal optimist I'm still searching prepared to deal with the consequences of my status even if the line may go dead when they find out. Also on the plus side I get the whole bed to myself, can choose what I want to watch on tv, I'm sure there are many more pluses to being a single girl that I just don't realise now, until I'm sat with a partner who has a really disgusting habit.
It is also that the sound of the clock ticking is pounding in my mind. Life's too short yet I can be paralysed by fear, my lack of confidence and over analytical nature. It's not all the time, sometimes I can surprise myself how I step outside my narrow zone. My recent shock (see previous entry) in the end may be a blessing in disguise. Time will tell.
There are other things, but wary of straying into TLDR territory and being a bit tired this will be it...
...for now.
If you think this is just a transparent attempt to garner some happy birthday greetings then... yes it is,... this being, I hope, fairly honest blog. So while I am that shameless I would like to think I'm shamelessly integral.
But that's not the reason I opened my word processor and started typing. The days leading up have given the opportunity for introspection. The time for "Carousel" has passed (or it would be if we existed in a world where a Malthusian solution was employed) and I still haven't settled down.
I'm still single with no kids, the latter I still have no desire to have although I jokingly remark that it's because I think they will write some kind of Mommy Dearest type memoir when they grow up about their monstrous trans parent. In reality, though, I'd muddle along and may develop the large amounts of stamina and patience parents have that lessor mortals don't.
Ever the eternal optimist I'm still searching prepared to deal with the consequences of my status even if the line may go dead when they find out. Also on the plus side I get the whole bed to myself, can choose what I want to watch on tv, I'm sure there are many more pluses to being a single girl that I just don't realise now, until I'm sat with a partner who has a really disgusting habit.
It is also that the sound of the clock ticking is pounding in my mind. Life's too short yet I can be paralysed by fear, my lack of confidence and over analytical nature. It's not all the time, sometimes I can surprise myself how I step outside my narrow zone. My recent shock (see previous entry) in the end may be a blessing in disguise. Time will tell.
There are other things, but wary of straying into TLDR territory and being a bit tired this will be it...
...for now.
Monday, 25 May 2009
Neighbourhood Outing
Last Monday was the day I outed myself to the neighbour. Entirely accidentally as I was hoping to slip indoors after he had let himself in. Even after this long my default mode is avoidance and I got the fright of my life when he poked his head round to investigate.
Having had some days to gain some perspective, it emphasises the problems I have where I am and the need to be a little cloak and dagger which makes me feel trapped. But if I let it, then it could become a ready made excuse. It also brings into focus that to be me I may have leave the area to be me.
I feel relaxed about it, at least I know they know even if as appears they're doing the avoiding (makes a change) and is never mentioned again.
Also do all trans girls forget any practised vocal after a shock?
Having had some days to gain some perspective, it emphasises the problems I have where I am and the need to be a little cloak and dagger which makes me feel trapped. But if I let it, then it could become a ready made excuse. It also brings into focus that to be me I may have leave the area to be me.
I feel relaxed about it, at least I know they know even if as appears they're doing the avoiding (makes a change) and is never mentioned again.
Also do all trans girls forget any practised vocal after a shock?
Friday, 15 May 2009
I Dont Bite Before Midnight
I have failed to write about my recent trips out so before it falls out my mind here's a brief summary of one. Bad me, I know, really should write it while it is fresh in my mind. My hairs getting longer after five months since its last cut, I decided to chance leaving the wig and try to make something from my own hair. Straightening and brushing my fringe forward to hide the little bits that have recessed which limits my style options even more.
Despite this and the fact I was late even for me, I went out. My make up was also a terribly rushed affair unlike the previous time where I over did it. On both occasions it probably showed. One thing I try to do is apply enough without going over the tipping point of looking really caked on.
In the end I wondered why I bothered rushing, not their fault just a further indication I need to find things outside the "scene" which are more to my taste. The true adventure was meandering my way home.
Perhaps adventure is overselling it a little...
But for me my flaws real or imaginary didn't matter and my confidence was with me despite the numbers out and about. Despite having some flat shoes in my bag, I walked home in my heals. A bad decision for my feet but they'll recover in a few months :-). Reactions? None I could detect but then I only get really scary long after midnight.
Despite this and the fact I was late even for me, I went out. My make up was also a terribly rushed affair unlike the previous time where I over did it. On both occasions it probably showed. One thing I try to do is apply enough without going over the tipping point of looking really caked on.
In the end I wondered why I bothered rushing, not their fault just a further indication I need to find things outside the "scene" which are more to my taste. The true adventure was meandering my way home.
Perhaps adventure is overselling it a little...
But for me my flaws real or imaginary didn't matter and my confidence was with me despite the numbers out and about. Despite having some flat shoes in my bag, I walked home in my heals. A bad decision for my feet but they'll recover in a few months :-). Reactions? None I could detect but then I only get really scary long after midnight.
Tuesday, 12 May 2009
Net Loss
There is a lot to be said in favour of net curtains, unfortunately they seem to have fallen out such favour. Yesterday I took a walk via the supermarket that took me though a post war council estate and a new estate near me built in the identikit mock Georgian style that every house builder has adopted. What I noticed was in the new estate having nets was the rare exception whereas the "council estate" (a brief online check of home sales suggests few if any are social
accommodation these days) homes mostly had nets up. They also with the odd exception looked nice and white. There probably is an age and class (however you define it these days) explanation in the difference along with the passing of fashions. It has been seen as something a bit naff or twee.Being never knowingly trendy and having spent ages cleaning one of the alternatives (blinds) over the weekend, I feel there are great advantages of having a net curtain. Firstly people like myself wont wonder past you slouched out eating your tea while watching Eastenders. Secondly you can see the salesman or other unwelcome visitors (hello) approach allowing enough time to take evasive action. There seems to be plenty of guys knocking at my door trying to get me signing with that energy firm or the other, however whenever I check their prices online there seems no more than £10 between them, not really worth the hassle. Thirdly you can peak on the neighbours, don't pretend you don't want to yes you do its human nature. Fourthly you can mime along to Baby One More Time with the sunlight beaming in without scarring the neighbours. OK that's probably just me (I Still don't think they have fully recovered by the way).
There are many more but overall your nan was right you need net curtains so do I.
Tuesday, 28 April 2009
Wind Farm Frolics
A sort of filler post not that i don't have things to write about just that I have deadlines to meet which prevent me consolidating my thoughts or catching up with non business things. My family claims once I'm fully occupied I'll stop my little "habit", there's no evidence to that so far.
I did take a little time to visit my mum and took part in a little quiz at a local bar for which we came second behind the people who takes these things way too seriously (at the risk of sounding like a bad loser).
On the way back I saw the small wind farm that has just been erected just out of town which to me looks a great new local landmark but given the protests about similar projects around the country I am probably alone in that opinion.
Take care, back soon. X
Tuesday, 14 April 2009
Trans Children
This is about trans issues and does go a little sweary so don't say you have not been warned.
The arguments are not brand new so you might be familiar with them. I have had a bit of time where I have been feeling down and instead of lashing out at the innocent I thought some guilty parties deserved my wrath.
The problem is I feel I am preaching to the converted whereas I probably need to enter the lions den and combat these things against them to the general public and worried parents.
On transgendered kids, It is still an area that needs a lot of research. Sadly some have already made up their minds and will never change. Putting their own prejudices and dogma before the best treatment for the children (whatever that may be).
Now I do not believe in a one size fits all. Every child is different but here's what doesn't work in my opinion.
Pushing, forcing them to the assigned gender. doesn't cure them. It only teaches them to pretend and fake it, became a superb secret agent, hide it, fucks them up. It just creates self hate, loathing, lack of confidence, depression, drug abuse, suicides.
I know transitioning (if that is what it comes to) is hard whatever way (both on the loved ones and the individual) but love and support from you will make them happier.
There are those who believe that they are all "pre homosexual" and not transgender, this does wrongly continue the assumption that gender identity and sexuality go hand in hand. Nor should they be dismissed as just autogynephiles.
Children need to go on a voyage of self discovery. Picking out one dress out of a dressing up box does not automatically make the child tg or gay, its just playing, using their imagination, exploring, having fun. Don't dump all this crap on them by telling them its not for boys.
As for where to go, there are self styled "reparative" therapists offerings "cures" and that all they need is a good male (or female) role model and that a mother should not get too involved in their young boys life and everything would be just hunky dory. It is what my mother thinks and I really hate the fact she is blaming herself because I do not identify with my birth gender. But it isn't the case.The thing you learn is that what you learn is that trans girls and boys come from a wide range of backgrounds and types of families. Another suggestion is that it should be beaten out of them, hopefully other children will join in and teach them that its wrong which leads to what I've said before.
Whatever they may say I am not abnormal nor are these children.
The arguments are not brand new so you might be familiar with them. I have had a bit of time where I have been feeling down and instead of lashing out at the innocent I thought some guilty parties deserved my wrath.
The problem is I feel I am preaching to the converted whereas I probably need to enter the lions den and combat these things against them to the general public and worried parents.
On transgendered kids, It is still an area that needs a lot of research. Sadly some have already made up their minds and will never change. Putting their own prejudices and dogma before the best treatment for the children (whatever that may be).
Now I do not believe in a one size fits all. Every child is different but here's what doesn't work in my opinion.
Pushing, forcing them to the assigned gender. doesn't cure them. It only teaches them to pretend and fake it, became a superb secret agent, hide it, fucks them up. It just creates self hate, loathing, lack of confidence, depression, drug abuse, suicides.
I know transitioning (if that is what it comes to) is hard whatever way (both on the loved ones and the individual) but love and support from you will make them happier.
There are those who believe that they are all "pre homosexual" and not transgender, this does wrongly continue the assumption that gender identity and sexuality go hand in hand. Nor should they be dismissed as just autogynephiles.
Children need to go on a voyage of self discovery. Picking out one dress out of a dressing up box does not automatically make the child tg or gay, its just playing, using their imagination, exploring, having fun. Don't dump all this crap on them by telling them its not for boys.
As for where to go, there are self styled "reparative" therapists offerings "cures" and that all they need is a good male (or female) role model and that a mother should not get too involved in their young boys life and everything would be just hunky dory. It is what my mother thinks and I really hate the fact she is blaming herself because I do not identify with my birth gender. But it isn't the case.The thing you learn is that what you learn is that trans girls and boys come from a wide range of backgrounds and types of families. Another suggestion is that it should be beaten out of them, hopefully other children will join in and teach them that its wrong which leads to what I've said before.
Whatever they may say I am not abnormal nor are these children.
Saturday, 11 April 2009
My Own Little Thing
Oh look a field of trannies and they're about to link up and break into a rendition of I'd Like To Teach The World To Sing. But oh no someone's able to explain basics of the off-side law. This shouldn't be allowed. What next beer?
As previously stated if you ask 10 trannies for their definitions of the trans condition, you will end up with 11 different view points. If I am one of the 10 then mine is THE ONLY ONE THAT'S RELEVANT.
Only joking (I think).
I am happy to associate myself with the transgendered family but like any family (work, biological, household, etc.) you may love some but they can really do your head in and frustrate from time-to-time. What I mean all this back-biting and point scoring in some areas is not helping me.
So I need to take a step back from those cul-de-sac's, to do my own little thing. While I get things in perspective and decide on my way through the forest for a while. It's a compromise away from ripping it all up which have felt like doing several times and which my more rational side prevents.
I am, over time, becoming less ashamed over who I am and who I will be, the moments of self-flagellation are becoming more and more spread apart. Over the days my mood has swung back and forth, one day I'm coping and feel such a fraud for even seeking help, the next I feel terrible and despising of the person looking back at me.
Some are of the opinion that you are better off staying away if you wish to transition I would not go that far but holidays away from the trans bubble are welcome at times.
As previously stated if you ask 10 trannies for their definitions of the trans condition, you will end up with 11 different view points. If I am one of the 10 then mine is THE ONLY ONE THAT'S RELEVANT.
Only joking (I think).
I am happy to associate myself with the transgendered family but like any family (work, biological, household, etc.) you may love some but they can really do your head in and frustrate from time-to-time. What I mean all this back-biting and point scoring in some areas is not helping me.
So I need to take a step back from those cul-de-sac's, to do my own little thing. While I get things in perspective and decide on my way through the forest for a while. It's a compromise away from ripping it all up which have felt like doing several times and which my more rational side prevents.
I am, over time, becoming less ashamed over who I am and who I will be, the moments of self-flagellation are becoming more and more spread apart. Over the days my mood has swung back and forth, one day I'm coping and feel such a fraud for even seeking help, the next I feel terrible and despising of the person looking back at me.
Some are of the opinion that you are better off staying away if you wish to transition I would not go that far but holidays away from the trans bubble are welcome at times.
Sunday, 5 April 2009
Sexy Things To Some Sexy Music
I am no activist however I try to lobby and campaign on behalf of few LGBT causes when I feel their important enough and I can make a half decent fist for them. Perhaps the best thing I can do is just be there outside and present a good impression to the public who have not seen an obvious transgendered girl before.
You have seen in past entries my faults and my poor first attempts. Sometimes only the final release is visible with the alpha and beta testing images removed.
Initially I was ashamed about it but latterly as I feel more confident in who I am I remember such things as my tg early teens.
Like most biological early teenage years there's a lot of posturing and one long embarrassment. Unless you're in Skins, then you'll be having sexy parties, while looking sexy and doing sexy things to some sexy music or 90210 where you'll be stick thin and in need of some Kendal Mint Cake and pies. Afterwards while acknowledging how bad it was you sometimes look back fondly.
You have seen in past entries my faults and my poor first attempts. Sometimes only the final release is visible with the alpha and beta testing images removed.
Initially I was ashamed about it but latterly as I feel more confident in who I am I remember such things as my tg early teens.
Like most biological early teenage years there's a lot of posturing and one long embarrassment. Unless you're in Skins, then you'll be having sexy parties, while looking sexy and doing sexy things to some sexy music or 90210 where you'll be stick thin and in need of some Kendal Mint Cake and pies. Afterwards while acknowledging how bad it was you sometimes look back fondly.
Friday, 3 April 2009
Linky Goodness
If you only read this site through a rss feed reader (through the Opera browser, Google Reader, etc) Then you may have missed the links I post on the side via my Delicious account. So here's the filleted highlights from the recent past (apologies if you have already seen them).
Firstly there's a rather nice and touching eight and a half minute film (available through this page) from the East Midlands edition of the BBC's Inside Out in which Debbie Davis talks about her past as a transsexual through to today.
Secondly there's the campaign (as reported in the Oxford Mail) to persuade the Oxfordshire PCT to pay toward their SRS. Although the signs are encouraging pressure needs to be kept up.
If you are a British citizen or resident and have not already signed the petition (here) I would urge you do so by the deadline of April 7.
And after you have done that scribble a complaint to Ofcom (here) about Moving Wallpaper (Tx: 20 March 2009, 21:00-21:30, ITV1). Espcially if you think the humiliation, belittlement and being prejudiced about transsexuals is deeply wrong.
If you wish to watch it do not use any torrent things as it would be very, very terrible if ITV didn't receive any ad revenue from such a prejudiced piece.
I'll leave with a commercial.
Firstly there's a rather nice and touching eight and a half minute film (available through this page) from the East Midlands edition of the BBC's Inside Out in which Debbie Davis talks about her past as a transsexual through to today.
Secondly there's the campaign (as reported in the Oxford Mail) to persuade the Oxfordshire PCT to pay toward their SRS. Although the signs are encouraging pressure needs to be kept up.
If you are a British citizen or resident and have not already signed the petition (here) I would urge you do so by the deadline of April 7.
And after you have done that scribble a complaint to Ofcom (here) about Moving Wallpaper (Tx: 20 March 2009, 21:00-21:30, ITV1). Espcially if you think the humiliation, belittlement and being prejudiced about transsexuals is deeply wrong.
If you wish to watch it do not use any torrent things as it would be very, very terrible if ITV didn't receive any ad revenue from such a prejudiced piece.
I'll leave with a commercial.
Thursday, 2 April 2009
She-Ra Princess of Power
I preferred She-Ra to He-Man (ugh he's just a beefcake narcissist) and watching this clip many years on it was fairly apparent why. I mean those boots are gorgeous and the whole transformation sequence wins over the poor animation (then most of the animation on children's tv was like that). I remember wanting to transform into a girl just like that when the dust settled there I would be.
Just a break from the serious stuff.
Just a break from the serious stuff.
Thursday, 26 March 2009
Taking Offence
I wasn't going to say anything but then I made the mistake of watching.
What I saw was the incredibly transphobic episode of an alleged sitcom called Moving Wallpaper. Although it never stops the average Daily Mail reader I thought I would view the offending show before passing comment, this has the rather unfortunate necessity of visiting the once proud commercial broadcasters site and watching again.
The more depressing thing is that ITV does have a good record portraying homosexuals, bisexuals and transgendered peoples over the years. In Coronation Street, other dramas like Bob And Rose, reality and documentaries. Compared to other broadcasters who might veer onto the sensationalist which has a EPG attention grabbing title or a dull and worthy documentary which paints us as just pathetic victims.
I was not around for the supposed bad old days where the comedy non-white was a fixture in many comedies (there are exceptions where race was tackled well like Rising Damp and Porridge). However the 80's sitcom gay is well remembered, crude, lazy, stereotypical, without any dimension and offensive.
It starts off buttock clinchingly bad with a reference to surgery leading to a shot of a pair of scissors, references to "sausage factory" with funny sitcom music which replaces the canned laughter which tells you that was supposed to be a joke. The character is deliberately set up to be a unlikeable character which the writers attempt to make it OK to mock her and her transsexuality.
The joke was on her, not on the bigoted or ignorant jokers and gave them the impression that it was fine to be prejudiced and discriminate against transgendered women (and by possible extension trans men) in the workplace as well as wider society.
Comedies can be edgy and original but this was nothing of the sort.
What I saw was the incredibly transphobic episode of an alleged sitcom called Moving Wallpaper. Although it never stops the average Daily Mail reader I thought I would view the offending show before passing comment, this has the rather unfortunate necessity of visiting the once proud commercial broadcasters site and watching again.
The more depressing thing is that ITV does have a good record portraying homosexuals, bisexuals and transgendered peoples over the years. In Coronation Street, other dramas like Bob And Rose, reality and documentaries. Compared to other broadcasters who might veer onto the sensationalist which has a EPG attention grabbing title or a dull and worthy documentary which paints us as just pathetic victims.
I was not around for the supposed bad old days where the comedy non-white was a fixture in many comedies (there are exceptions where race was tackled well like Rising Damp and Porridge). However the 80's sitcom gay is well remembered, crude, lazy, stereotypical, without any dimension and offensive.
It starts off buttock clinchingly bad with a reference to surgery leading to a shot of a pair of scissors, references to "sausage factory" with funny sitcom music which replaces the canned laughter which tells you that was supposed to be a joke. The character is deliberately set up to be a unlikeable character which the writers attempt to make it OK to mock her and her transsexuality.
The joke was on her, not on the bigoted or ignorant jokers and gave them the impression that it was fine to be prejudiced and discriminate against transgendered women (and by possible extension trans men) in the workplace as well as wider society.
Comedies can be edgy and original but this was nothing of the sort.
Monday, 16 March 2009
Anti-Starbucks Based Rant
To me Starbucks stands for a lot of things I despise, what I want is a cheap cuppa most of the time not a overpriced double wocca choca latte with my daily calorie intake catered for in a few mouthfuls. I do wonder how they have at times avoided the whole super-size me controversy that dealt McDonalds a almighty kick when essentially both are pushing fatty products most of the time. I would be tempted to say there's an element of snobbishness. Yes they do also sell black espresso's but MackyD's sell carrot sticks, doesn't mean most are going to touch it.
What else its the most expensive for crap coffee a taste tester gave them 1.5 out of 5 compared to Caffe Nero's 4 and was found by Which? researchers to be the most expensive. To be fair this is a free market and people buy brands for the lifestyle rather than quality or price Also their previous success forced many rivals to improve their offering. But hey, you read the title, you don't expect me to be really nice and I haven't even started on their business and employment practices.
In short not a fan, much like Lord Mandelson.
What else its the most expensive for crap coffee a taste tester gave them 1.5 out of 5 compared to Caffe Nero's 4 and was found by Which? researchers to be the most expensive. To be fair this is a free market and people buy brands for the lifestyle rather than quality or price Also their previous success forced many rivals to improve their offering. But hey, you read the title, you don't expect me to be really nice and I haven't even started on their business and employment practices.
In short not a fan, much like Lord Mandelson.
Friday, 13 March 2009
My First Visit
The first time I walked out, I got to the gate, checked there was no one up the road, got to the gate and carried on walking up the road through a dark park round a few 
streets and back again. I was so scared.
Sometime after that I got ready to go to to a group in my local region. My MP3 was playing You Love Us by the Manic Street Preachers, as I neared the venue but I couldn't go in, I suppose I had used up all my courage getting there that I had none left. So I just loitered for a bit, think this time I will go in but I never did. Which makes it sound like a big fail, but taking the positives, it wasn't. As you can see from a photo taken on my old mobile my make-up was rather poor and the wig could be better but it didn't matter, I learnt a lot that day. Namely I wasn't going to be pelted with bricks for going out and I can do it.
streets and back again. I was so scared.Sometime after that I got ready to go to to a group in my local region. My MP3 was playing You Love Us by the Manic Street Preachers, as I neared the venue but I couldn't go in, I suppose I had used up all my courage getting there that I had none left. So I just loitered for a bit, think this time I will go in but I never did. Which makes it sound like a big fail, but taking the positives, it wasn't. As you can see from a photo taken on my old mobile my make-up was rather poor and the wig could be better but it didn't matter, I learnt a lot that day. Namely I wasn't going to be pelted with bricks for going out and I can do it.
Wednesday, 11 March 2009
Evil Overused
You know from watching those dumb list shows called things like The 100 Most Evilest People In The World Evah!!! Voted by the sort of person who thinks that sort of thing is important but not voting for their Councillor or MEP. Before I topple off my soap box cue smug voice-over. "At 100 he may be called the man of steel, but he doesn't have much appeal according to you, its Stalin!". With Kerry Katona garnering more votes than Saddam Hussain, the top three comprising of the latest pantomime villain from a reality show, Chris Moyles and Fred Goodwin.
All in all the use of the word evil is used too much. There are several definitions of evil, includeing the secular, religious and the philosophical. This is going to be a short argument because what detailed religous education I recieved in my youth has faded and I went for history at A-level. The point is that anybody doing anything remotely wrong or imoral gets called evil when it devalues true evil when it happens. Like many forms of modern slavery and trafficking and acts of mass slaughter for example.
All in all the use of the word evil is used too much. There are several definitions of evil, includeing the secular, religious and the philosophical. This is going to be a short argument because what detailed religous education I recieved in my youth has faded and I went for history at A-level. The point is that anybody doing anything remotely wrong or imoral gets called evil when it devalues true evil when it happens. Like many forms of modern slavery and trafficking and acts of mass slaughter for example.
Friday, 27 February 2009
Come a Long Way Since
Welcome to Master-Tranny, transiting doesn't get any tougher than this. A new spin off from the popular cookery show, where contestants face a series of "tests" (the supermarket test, the teenage girl test, any more ideas?) And a lot of talk about a "journey" all played over a soaring indie rock soundtrack.
Guess whose mind was wandering while watching rubbish on the television. This is supposed to be about my development and the missteps and trips along the way.
My voice is not perfect (by a long way the biggest understatement I have ever made), the initial practice sounded a bit too "I'm a laydeeee". I've reigned it in since following the typical route of softening the voice, talking once I felt it starting to click and I sounded great sadly the next utterance would be suited to performing Ol' Man River, Paul Robeson's signature song (a man who did lead a great interesting life which I could end up going on about but will move on to my outfits instead).
I am not one of those who believes that to be a ''serious'' tranny, the party dresses have to be ditched. (It would be dull if we all dressed the same). I can and do feel female in jeans but I will always wear a dress if the mood takes me and the times right I will choose to dress-up. The point missed or forgotten by some. is that a number, need to so they can be kept sane. From time to time I come across some women who express the same point. The fact is that there are few places (you would be considered slightly eccentric or strange for a start, 'hang on I'll just get my cocktail dress on then we'll go to the pub') and it takes too long to get ready for it to be a daily thing.
Yes there are also those women who will always opt for jeans but its not all and it would be wrong to insinuate it is or that not they are not proper females or even not feminist.
As I make the baby steps toward that eventual moment of truth (another cliché) , testing my ability to cope with all aspects of trans life, detailed so richly elsewhere.
Everything is still so relatively new and there is a new test every time I go out. For instance, what do you do when you know you're being stared at? How I stop myself lapsing my stance? All this and so much more before I can call myself a wise old tranny, settle back in my rocking chair and be insanely jealous of younger, better looking girls. :) Or even contemplate a successful transition.
Guess whose mind was wandering while watching rubbish on the television. This is supposed to be about my development and the missteps and trips along the way.
My voice is not perfect (by a long way the biggest understatement I have ever made), the initial practice sounded a bit too "I'm a laydeeee". I've reigned it in since following the typical route of softening the voice, talking once I felt it starting to click and I sounded great sadly the next utterance would be suited to performing Ol' Man River, Paul Robeson's signature song (a man who did lead a great interesting life which I could end up going on about but will move on to my outfits instead).
I am not one of those who believes that to be a ''serious'' tranny, the party dresses have to be ditched. (It would be dull if we all dressed the same). I can and do feel female in jeans but I will always wear a dress if the mood takes me and the times right I will choose to dress-up. The point missed or forgotten by some. is that a number, need to so they can be kept sane. From time to time I come across some women who express the same point. The fact is that there are few places (you would be considered slightly eccentric or strange for a start, 'hang on I'll just get my cocktail dress on then we'll go to the pub') and it takes too long to get ready for it to be a daily thing.
Yes there are also those women who will always opt for jeans but its not all and it would be wrong to insinuate it is or that not they are not proper females or even not feminist.
As I make the baby steps toward that eventual moment of truth (another cliché) , testing my ability to cope with all aspects of trans life, detailed so richly elsewhere.
Everything is still so relatively new and there is a new test every time I go out. For instance, what do you do when you know you're being stared at? How I stop myself lapsing my stance? All this and so much more before I can call myself a wise old tranny, settle back in my rocking chair and be insanely jealous of younger, better looking girls. :) Or even contemplate a successful transition.
Saturday, 21 February 2009
Got Something To Say
..but nothing comes...
Hello my post rate has slowed down, over the past month, a combination of busyness and being blah (no ups being UP and the lows being haven't been really low) so its fair to assume no news means my final missive hasn't been revisited and I'm ok.
There also seems a big push in the style media that its now the 80's revival, a lot of it seems a bit over stylised and too try hard. The worrying thing is that its probably the first time for a "revival" that I can dimly remember the original and my, what a ghastly decade it was on the whole.
Back to bed, back to reality.
Hello my post rate has slowed down, over the past month, a combination of busyness and being blah (no ups being UP and the lows being haven't been really low) so its fair to assume no news means my final missive hasn't been revisited and I'm ok.
There also seems a big push in the style media that its now the 80's revival, a lot of it seems a bit over stylised and too try hard. The worrying thing is that its probably the first time for a "revival" that I can dimly remember the original and my, what a ghastly decade it was on the whole.
Back to bed, back to reality.
Wednesday, 11 February 2009
Send Us Your Pictures
Wednesday, 4 February 2009
99
I wouldn't normally do a meme type thing but it looks like a fun thing to do and following on from the presumably several already done (includeing here, here and here. I've seen so far) this is mine with comments in brackets.
The rules are..
Things you've already done: bold
Things you want to do: italicize
Things you haven't done and don't want to - leave in plain font.
1. Started your own blog.
2. Slept under the stars. (not strictly speaking)
3. Played in a band.
4. Visited Hawaii.
5. Watched a meteor shower. (possible stretching the meaning of a shower in this case).
6. Given more than you can afford to charity.
7. Been to Disneyland/world.
8. Climbed a mountain. (Some big hills but not a mountain)
9. Held a praying mantis.
10. Sang a solo. (very badly).
11. Bungee jumped. (no way would I ever do this).
12. Visited Paris.
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea.
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch.
15. Adopted a child.
16. Had food poisoning.
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty.
18. Grown your own Vegetables (yes, they were weedy little things).
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France.
20. Slept on an overnight train. (slept on a daytime train though)
21. Had a pillow fight.
22. Hitch hiked.
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill. (Honestly).
24. Built a snow fort.
25. Held a lamb.
26. Gone skinny dipping.
27. Run a marathon. (see bungee jumping)
28. Ridden a gondola in Venice.
29. Seen a total eclipse.
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset.
31. Hit a home run. (Ok not strictly but I did do the equivalent in rounders).
32. Been on a cruise.
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person.
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors. (depends on the meaning of ancestor)
35. Seen an Amish community.
36. Taught yourself a new language. (not self taught, fancy learning Japanese someday)
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied.
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person.
39. Gone rock climbing.
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David in person.
41. Sung Karaoke.
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt..
43. Bought a stranger a meal in a restaurant.
44. Visited Africa.
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight.
46. Been transported in an ambulance.
47. Had your portrait painted. (well, a quick drawing).
48. Gone deep sea fishing.
49. Seen the Sistine chapel in person.
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris (have no head for heights)
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkelling.
52. Kissed in the rain.
53. Played in the mud.
54. Gone to a drive-in theatre.
55. Been in a movie.
56. Visited the Great Wall of China.
57. Started a business. (self employed)
58. Taken a martial arts class.
59. Visited Russia.
60. Served at a soup kitchen.
61. Sold Girl Scout cookies.
62. Gone whale watching.
63. Been given flowers for no reason.
64. Donated blood. (that's bad, I know).
65. Gone sky diving.
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp.
67. Bounced a cheque. (no idea how I have managed to avoid doing it so far).
68. Flown in a helicopter.
69. Saved a favourite childhood toy.
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial.
71. Eaten Caviar.
72. Pieced a quilt.
73. Stood in Times Square.
74. Toured the Everglades.
75. Been fired from a job.
76. Seen the Changing of the Guard in London.
77. Broken a bone.
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle.
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person.
80. Published a book.
81. Visited the Vatican.
82. Bought a brand new car.
83. Walked in Jerusalem.
84. Had your picture in the newspaper.
85. Read the entire Bible.
86. Visited the White House.
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating.
88. Had chickenpox
89. Saved someone’s life.
90. Sat on a jury.
91. Met someone famous.
92. Joined a book club.
93. Lost a loved one.
94. Had a baby.
95. Seen the Alamo in person.
96. Swum in the Great Salt Lake.
97. Been involved in a law suit.
98. Owned a mobile phone.
99. Been stung by a bee.
And that's it. A little US centric so it probably upped the haven't done and don't want to do count.
The rules are..
Things you've already done: bold
Things you want to do: italicize
Things you haven't done and don't want to - leave in plain font.
1. Started your own blog.
2. Slept under the stars. (not strictly speaking)
3. Played in a band.
4. Visited Hawaii.
5. Watched a meteor shower. (possible stretching the meaning of a shower in this case).
6. Given more than you can afford to charity.
7. Been to Disneyland/world.
8. Climbed a mountain. (Some big hills but not a mountain)
9. Held a praying mantis.
10. Sang a solo. (very badly).
11. Bungee jumped. (no way would I ever do this).
12. Visited Paris.
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea.
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch.
15. Adopted a child.
16. Had food poisoning.
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty.
18. Grown your own Vegetables (yes, they were weedy little things).
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France.
20. Slept on an overnight train. (slept on a daytime train though)
21. Had a pillow fight.
22. Hitch hiked.
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill. (Honestly).
24. Built a snow fort.
25. Held a lamb.
26. Gone skinny dipping.
27. Run a marathon. (see bungee jumping)
28. Ridden a gondola in Venice.
29. Seen a total eclipse.
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset.
31. Hit a home run. (Ok not strictly but I did do the equivalent in rounders).
32. Been on a cruise.
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person.
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors. (depends on the meaning of ancestor)
35. Seen an Amish community.
36. Taught yourself a new language. (not self taught, fancy learning Japanese someday)
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied.
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person.
39. Gone rock climbing.
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David in person.
41. Sung Karaoke.
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt..
43. Bought a stranger a meal in a restaurant.
44. Visited Africa.
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight.
46. Been transported in an ambulance.
47. Had your portrait painted. (well, a quick drawing).
48. Gone deep sea fishing.
49. Seen the Sistine chapel in person.
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris (have no head for heights)
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkelling.
52. Kissed in the rain.
53. Played in the mud.
54. Gone to a drive-in theatre.
55. Been in a movie.
56. Visited the Great Wall of China.
57. Started a business. (self employed)
58. Taken a martial arts class.
59. Visited Russia.
60. Served at a soup kitchen.
61. Sold Girl Scout cookies.
62. Gone whale watching.
63. Been given flowers for no reason.
64. Donated blood. (that's bad, I know).
65. Gone sky diving.
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp.
67. Bounced a cheque. (no idea how I have managed to avoid doing it so far).
68. Flown in a helicopter.
69. Saved a favourite childhood toy.
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial.
71. Eaten Caviar.
72. Pieced a quilt.
73. Stood in Times Square.
74. Toured the Everglades.
75. Been fired from a job.
76. Seen the Changing of the Guard in London.
77. Broken a bone.
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle.
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person.
80. Published a book.
81. Visited the Vatican.
82. Bought a brand new car.
83. Walked in Jerusalem.
84. Had your picture in the newspaper.
85. Read the entire Bible.
86. Visited the White House.
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating.
88. Had chickenpox
89. Saved someone’s life.
90. Sat on a jury.
91. Met someone famous.
92. Joined a book club.
93. Lost a loved one.
94. Had a baby.
95. Seen the Alamo in person.
96. Swum in the Great Salt Lake.
97. Been involved in a law suit.
98. Owned a mobile phone.
99. Been stung by a bee.
And that's it. A little US centric so it probably upped the haven't done and don't want to do count.
Saturday, 24 January 2009
Caps Lock Madness
I have previously refered to the world of the conspiracy thoerist and espoused my belief that most thoeries are lacking any evidence that would survive any credible examination. Since then economies and financial institutions have gone belly up leading to the reserection of one of the oldest conspiracies, namely the accusation that there is a jewish banking cartel, by the usual bunch of anto-semites and neo-nazi's spouting the usual crap AND THEY ALL TYPE LARGE CHUNKS OF THEIR RANTS WITH CAPS LOCK ON as if that lends credibility while in no way making them seem even more insaine.
Here's another exhibit on a different topic from the entertaining spEak You’re bRanes site.
Here's another exhibit on a different topic from the entertaining spEak You’re bRanes site.
Wednesday, 21 January 2009
Januaryland
There's a great mock-ad in this months Viz.
The warning signs that things were about to be a bit bobbins when I watched a disappointing episode of Jonathan Creek on New Years Day. Later on there's the colds, coughs and chills to contend with. The prospect of mass unemployment and payments to HM Revenue and Customs coming up.
Perhaps I have a serious case of the winter blues, I have slept an enormous amount and if I could the rest of the month would be spent in bed. One night, though, I did feel better walking home with the thought that I like myself more when I'm this and not being a boy, which is a sad, almost pathetically small pleasure which encourages me to keep on going.
A year ago around this time a wonderful but sadly tormented woman who took her own life . I still wonder if there was something I could have done even if rationally the odds of being successful were long. I feel so sorry for her family at this time their sense of loss being far greater than mine especially at this time. My thoughts are with them. May she continue to rest in piece.
Postscript. I am so sorry for being compleatly and utterly downbeat.
"Come visit Januaryland, the most depressing month of the year, all year round!... See it get dark at half past three... our computerised climate control has it dull, overcast and a bit cold all day long... (Closed Dec 31 to Feb 1)".
The warning signs that things were about to be a bit bobbins when I watched a disappointing episode of Jonathan Creek on New Years Day. Later on there's the colds, coughs and chills to contend with. The prospect of mass unemployment and payments to HM Revenue and Customs coming up.
Perhaps I have a serious case of the winter blues, I have slept an enormous amount and if I could the rest of the month would be spent in bed. One night, though, I did feel better walking home with the thought that I like myself more when I'm this and not being a boy, which is a sad, almost pathetically small pleasure which encourages me to keep on going.
A year ago around this time a wonderful but sadly tormented woman who took her own life . I still wonder if there was something I could have done even if rationally the odds of being successful were long. I feel so sorry for her family at this time their sense of loss being far greater than mine especially at this time. My thoughts are with them. May she continue to rest in piece.
Postscript. I am so sorry for being compleatly and utterly downbeat.
Sunday, 11 January 2009
Battle Of Who Could Care Less
You join me here as the war between factions continues, inflicting numerous casualties along the way while the rest of the world looks on at the sheer pointlessness of it all.
Yes I am talking about the transgender wars. Now into another year of who knows how many years of upset, hurt feelings and loudly flouncing out of chartrooms, the battle continues as it has done every day except for one Christmas day where the sides met in no gender specific land and played slightly pointless games like word association before resuming the next day.
Currently a group of transvestites are employing their shock troops with their visible stocking tops to go over the top (for which they need no encouragement) unfortunately their 5 inch heals are stuck in the mud and are soon beaten by a set of transexuals in jeans, t-shirts and sensible shoes using their overwhelming sence of superiority. All seems lost until the tv's special agent behind enemy lines a Tracey Roll, starts a debate about stealth and all hell breaks loose.
Can the transvestites advance and claim victory? Or will they have to return to bob mode before then? Stay tuned.
Yes I am talking about the transgender wars. Now into another year of who knows how many years of upset, hurt feelings and loudly flouncing out of chartrooms, the battle continues as it has done every day except for one Christmas day where the sides met in no gender specific land and played slightly pointless games like word association before resuming the next day.
Currently a group of transvestites are employing their shock troops with their visible stocking tops to go over the top (for which they need no encouragement) unfortunately their 5 inch heals are stuck in the mud and are soon beaten by a set of transexuals in jeans, t-shirts and sensible shoes using their overwhelming sence of superiority. All seems lost until the tv's special agent behind enemy lines a Tracey Roll, starts a debate about stealth and all hell breaks loose.
Can the transvestites advance and claim victory? Or will they have to return to bob mode before then? Stay tuned.
Saturday, 10 January 2009
Don't Call It A Comeback
For those new or relatively recent to the blog, hello I'm Lucy. This blog will probably continue to follow the formula I have used previously, a journal of my life along with witterings on subjects that take my interest. I could separate the two but I'd have difficulty running two blogs.
So this is my first post of the year, (151st overall) a chance for a new start. My writeing performance flagged a bit towards the end of the year and a few threads have been left hanging and not followed up. Thank you for your comments though, they have all been read with interest and I will get round to writeing little notes eventually.
My depression comes and goes along with my gd like many others, thankfully it has not been too disableing recently and the dark thoughts have stayed away. If there is one thing I really should have learnt from last year it is that depression needs to be addressed. I am at the begining of a long path (I've stopped useing the word 'jouney' because of its overuse in programes like Strictly Come Factor, X Danceing, Masterchef and other reality shows) its not a straight A to B and will probably have many up's and down's before the final chapter. Thankfully I am blessed to have people prepared to take time from their own lives who have helped me.
I did say I would write a second part on the law of privacy, again I will scribble it down but with a potentually important case being brought by everyone's favourite footballer Ashley Cole regarding embarrissing revelations about his night with a hairdresser. I probably delay comment until the court has had its say and adjust my comments in light of.
One post from the end of October about my wardrobe mistakes deserves a little update. I did eventually delve through my clothes organiseing and removing some horrors. The space created has been filled by my purchaces over christmas. I think its time to create some more space. Hopefully I am more selective without having to rely on mere luck.
So this is my first post of the year, (151st overall) a chance for a new start. My writeing performance flagged a bit towards the end of the year and a few threads have been left hanging and not followed up. Thank you for your comments though, they have all been read with interest and I will get round to writeing little notes eventually.
My depression comes and goes along with my gd like many others, thankfully it has not been too disableing recently and the dark thoughts have stayed away. If there is one thing I really should have learnt from last year it is that depression needs to be addressed. I am at the begining of a long path (I've stopped useing the word 'jouney' because of its overuse in programes like Strictly Come Factor, X Danceing, Masterchef and other reality shows) its not a straight A to B and will probably have many up's and down's before the final chapter. Thankfully I am blessed to have people prepared to take time from their own lives who have helped me.
I did say I would write a second part on the law of privacy, again I will scribble it down but with a potentually important case being brought by everyone's favourite footballer Ashley Cole regarding embarrissing revelations about his night with a hairdresser. I probably delay comment until the court has had its say and adjust my comments in light of.
One post from the end of October about my wardrobe mistakes deserves a little update. I did eventually delve through my clothes organiseing and removing some horrors. The space created has been filled by my purchaces over christmas. I think its time to create some more space. Hopefully I am more selective without having to rely on mere luck.
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