Friday, 21 August 2009

Sliding Door

It has been a while since I wore my heals for various reasons either because of blisters or I thought flats looked better, ironically my boi shoes have had a greater heal then anything I've worn the rest of the time. So being away from them is like being off a bike for a long period; you know how to do it, just that you are a bit wobbly and uncertain the first few yards.

Being a bit wobbly and uncertain about transition is something that will sometimes last longer than a few yards. I think often the difference between so called first and second wave transitioners is just time often there is a Sliding Doors moment where your life could splinter off in two directions as we know the one where we think she dies while the other one finally realises he's a creep and meets the dishy John Hannah hinting at a happy end.

Many could have taken the route earlier yet something stopped it happening then but you'll get there in the end.

One thing that hits me was a deep sense of regret over the path not taken earlier. Kinda like a clenching of the stomach reaching up to the heart. I should have some smart words here but I don't, I can't change what I didn't do so and I have so much future ahead even if so much has passed.

I believe there are no (to use that horrible phrase) win/win situations. There are always downsides as well as up, the scales may tip heavily in one direction but if you can think of no downsides then I suggest you haven't thought it through enough. Perhaps there are exceptions but it probably applies to the stages up-to, including and after transition.

This is big stuff and not to be considered lightly whether going forward, stopping or going back and a whoa! moment will show that you're human. If you start screaming and running as fast as possible away from the surgery then it's probably safe to say it's not for you. However if you are describing the procedure in extreme detail with relish...

When it comes down to it, I am not brave. I just am who I should. It's hard to describe the feeling of inner peace where mind and body are contented. The problem is that your human ecosystem changes like the way you are treated by other elements and how certain elements affect you both environmental and with humans.

I do wonder what kind of role model I make, have they met one before? If not are they going to transpose (if you pardon the pun) all tg's (and I do mean the whole spectrum) based on me.

3 comments:

Lynn Jones said...

You say you're not brave, but to even consider doing what you've talked about takes a certain amount of guts.

Likewise, to not do it and continue ploughing your own furrow rocks too. :)

alan said...

Spending time in regret of the paths taken or not has been one of the most paralyzing things in my own life; probably the cause of many of these gray hairs and the loss of many more!

Sadly, even knowing that, it's still a constant battle to keep my leg out of the trap...

There are those who rush headlong into anything with no regret and somehow never find any; then there are those who concern themselves so much with those around them that they cease to exist; I wish I were more the former and less the latter!

Someday, looking back from a rocker on the front porch at "Grace and Favour" are you going to have moments to savor and smile about, or only regrets...that might be the way to approach things...?

alan

Calie said...

Lucy, some would interrupt you as brave rather than not brave. Really, only you will ever know the answer

Believe me when I say that the thoughts you wrote in this post have entered my mind countless times....and I get older every day.

Calie xxx