Rest In Peace.

Just found out. Others can probably write more eloquently but this is my tribute. She was a kind, bright girl with so much promise ahead of her and will be missed by those who truly knew her. My thoughts are with her family and friends. Goodbye, may you rest in peace.

My Aims For 2008.

My aims for this year.

I acknowledge it is not as wonderfully laid out as Nicky Susanti's coloured in masterpiece, there's also no time scale for almost all of them. This is largely because things pop up unexpectedly to put a spanner in the works making a deadline unrealistic.

1. Lose weight. Everyone else seems to claim exactly the same thing I know. These resolutions are often composed after the author has somewhat overindulged during the Christmas period and has put on a few pounds and promptly forgotten shortly after. I haven't given a target either but at worst I hope to lose at least a pound.
   
2. Improve self confidence. Its something that has to be tackled day by day there have been slow changes I doubt I'd become some ubër confident alpha person at the end of the year or something similarly remarkable. However like this year I hope to see some improvement. Possibly see a therapist.
3. Work on deportment.
   
4. Be safe. Don't take stupid risks, don't be afraid of seeking help.
5. Be nice but assertive.
   
6. Start dating again.
   
7. Work through gender issues.
8. Go out more often.
   
9. Sparkle. I'm booked.
10. Be a good friend.
    
11. Make new friends.
12. See more of the world. So many places I want to see that I haven't yet. Looking at booking a few city breaks money permitting.
13. Be better at what I do.
14. Manage money better.
15. Fem haircut?
16. Exercise more often. Visit a gym or swimming pool at least once a week.

Phew not a lot them.

The Quick Change.

Normally it takes a few hours getting ready to be the semi presentable girl I am, but I had an overwhelming urge to dress and only a short time to do it before I really had to sleep. Its was odd hadn't had that urge for some time and trying to rationalise it later I still don't know why. In the end it was some very dark tights to conceal the fact I hadn't shaved my legs long top to do likewise for the arms and only a tiny bit of make-up. If only I could do a quick transformation like Wonder Woman (a bit off topic but I did used to try spinning when I was very young influenced by the television series, sadly for me the only thing that happened was that I felt giddy and a bit ill) .

What I Did Next.

Just a few days into 2008, I'm slowly starting to get back into the swing after some time away. Everything seemed quiet a day or two after New Years day, the roads ware not as busy for one thing. Excusing the few who were ill it was like the nation had decided to take a duvet day as one.

The Christmas went well for me, got some time to dress before I went away. I haven't had many chances recently and I haven't developed as much as I hoped but the occasions I've had have been more eventful.

Little things like sleeping "fem" (I don't like the term "en fem" or "fem" but I can't think of a better one). Gradually getting bolder building up to the first time out at a sociable time.

It wasn't perfect, at times I overcompensated pronounced swaying etc., then looking petrified and finally relaxing with a few of my old habits learnt up from three decades of socialisation slipping in. I still have a long way to go but we have to start somewhere. Rather oddly for a tranny I didn't take 100's of pictures at the time, just 4 on my rather basic camera that came with my mobile (and they were mainly to quickly check my appearance).

I've mainly avoided giving advice on this blog partly because there are better places to go and partly because I haven't acquired the wisdom and maturity which would give such advice weight. That said, the best advice I can give to anyone contemplating going out is to just do it don't over analyse or your just cause doubt and nervousness. Just stand straight, shoulders back and go.

So what did I do over chrimbo? In short I went off and stayed with family over Christmas far away in a fairly nice mainly rural area. On Christmas day, drunk steadily over the afternoon, enjoyed my veggie roast and delighted in Doctor Who (I really really want Astrid's outfit). Realised I can't eat everything so went to bed.Woke up from my Boxing day lie in by the local hunt loudly paradeing down the nearby street, they appearing determined to prove their point. Spent time playing with my latest toys, includeing that ultimate tranny accessory a digital camera. And as soon as it started it was over.

As is normal for that time of year mused on the changes that I have happened to me over the past year and for everyone else. A belated happy new year.

Regrets I've Had a Few...

The new year, its a time to look forward. But it is hard sometimes not to look back on some events and feel some regret. Also to consider the person that might have been or your lost possible self. The could haves can have a debilitating effect, I have many where if I took that path I may have been a better person. An excellent article (link) explains how regret can change as you get older, and how the perspective these lost selves are seen can affect the emotional impact of these memories.