Sunday, 21 December 2008

Balancing



Even a few months ago I probably would have hid somewhere or ran away.

It was drizzly evening and I was late. As seems to be the case whenever I attempt to get ready recently other people unwittingly hinder and delay me, that day was no different. I get ready eventually, makeup's a bit rushed and my sister turns up. Outside people were out and about, one double take but alright. Until...

The man in the fake Burberry cap turns up. It wasn’t until we passed each other that I heard him shout a string of expletives aggressively.

Uh oh.

I continued to walk away, picking up a little, not turning back, listening for the sound of footsteps just in case. QUEER, GAY, QUEER was his passing shot as I disappeared off to pass others who indifferent or more tolerating of this tranny in their midst.

I had a comeback ready but decided to take what I decided was the safest course of action. I have had homophobic and a instance of transphobic abuse before, depressing though that statement is. There will always be bigots about but they can’t be allowed to stop me or turn me into a permanent victim.

Writing about this I am aware that I may be dissuading some thinking of coming out but I can’t paint a rosy picture all the time, just be sensible and for me the joys outweigh the pains and knob heads encountered. I am not brave nor do I have high self esteem.

The rest of the night was pleasant enough, it was nice to have an excuse to get out even if my application of blusher wasn’t the best. I can be the quiet on and I apologise to anyone who met a slightly monosyllabic tranny, that was probably me being awkward at social gatherings again. My posture failed me at times and needs more work. The photo was taken on the way home, I forgot to activate the control for dim conditions so I’m a little in the shadows and my photography skills need a little work.

I did take a mirror this time, next time remember some flip-flops to put on if walking home.

5 comments:

Josephine said...

The knob heads decline Lucy. Have faith. After a while you start to radiate a "I-have-just-as-much-right-to-be-here-as-you-do" zone around you. Call it increased confidence, but also decreased self consciousness. As you do it, this kind of force field emerges that both stops the looks from getting through - but also, quite extraordinarily - stops them, mostly, from actually happening.

I do believe that what people respond to (and this is what the bigots detect) is not really how you look etc but principally what you seem to be feeling about yourself. It's weird - but you broadcast that louder than any message given off by makeup, shoes etc. They see someone who does or doesn't feel insecure. If the former, the arseholes instinctively sense the vulnerability and make the remark. It's the same as the way bullies work - by exploiting something they try and find in you.

You'll get there honey - looks like you already are :-)

alan said...

Photo looks good to me!

I do worry about you running around in flip-flops in the winter though!

Saw a girl yesterday while we were shopping; it was 16F out with a 30 mph wind, she was in jeans, scarf, hooded jacket and flip-flops...meanwhile it takes months to get my feet warm it seems!

I'm sorry some jerk thought he had the right to ruin your evening, but glad he didn't succeed! You know of course that his own miserable existence is why he thinks he needs to denigrate others!

All the things Jo says above are so very true! Please don't let someone like that lessen your confidence or resolve!

Please?

alan

Lynn Jones said...

I wonder if the same gent would have been quite so smug if someone had walked by him muttering chav, pikey, etc?

For what it's worth, I think you did the right think and walked on by. I also think it's right to report what goes on in the real world. Why paint a false picture? We all know these idiots exist. I hope in some way society will move on to point the finger at the bigots and say "what you're saying is wrong."

Something for a Christmas wish perhaps? :)

Jess said...

If you can - and it seems you can - rise above it.

For someone to openly abuse others on the street speaks volumes about that person, far more than it speaks about you.

In my thoughts.

Vanessa said...

I'm happy nothing else came of it. Sometimes the best thing to do is walk away. It would be nice if such incidents weren't so emotionally powerful though.